The Beginning
It started a little over a year ago, shortly after a trauma that my family and I suffered. This insurmountable fear when leaving my home. I have always been introverted, and some would call me a homebody. Those closest to me would joke that I would be completely happy living in a cave in the mountains and start a homestead, but this was completely different, this was my first experience with debilitating anxiety. I was afraid to go to the grocery store, restaurants, picking my kids up from school, extracurricular functions with my children, anything that involved having to be around people other than my family.
Before leaving I would start preparing myself before I left the house, giving myself pep talks, breathing exercises. Anything that could slow down my racing heart and increased breaths, this impending sense of dread that if I left my home my life would end. I quit talking to people other than people I have been extremely close to for years.
I would mentally place armor over me everyday, and become someone else just to survive a trip to the store. No longer would I smile at a stranger or start a casual conversation with an acquaintance. My armor showed a person who didn’t smile, who didn’t speak, who didn’t trust anyone anymore. I became paranoid that my family would be snatched away from me at any given moment if I walked out that door and into the community I have called home for over 15 years. In my 39 years of life I had never had anxiety this strong.
Looking for Help
I know this sounds silly that I would believe these irrational thoughts, but I did to a point. It has been a constant struggle between my rational mind and irrational thoughts. All because of one trauma that changed my whole perception of the world and everything in it, but sometimes that is all it takes to break someone. I began to seek help when I realized it was starting to affect my children. They didn’t want to leave home, and my youngest didn’t care to have friends anymore.
I looked into online counseling and found BetterHelp.com. Then I searched reviews and researched it before I decided to give it a shot. I was matched with a great counselor and she has helped me learn to cope with my anxiety without medication so far. She has also helped me to connect with my faith again.
Regaining My Faith
Through everything I have gone through this past year my faith has been made stronger, and is one of the biggest aspects of my life that has kept me going. Before all this started, I was not as strong in my faith like I had been in years past. I let others’ opinions and views draw me further and further from Christ and then when I was falling, I felt there was no one there to catch me. Except there was, God. Through months of isolation God was with me through it all, he was there to catch me. He was by my side, holding my hand when I cried and prayed for strength to just take one step outside my door.
I made a goal that I would do a daily devotional, then a weekly devotional. Now, I’m on an 8 week devotional to help me stay connected to the Lord, because I still haven’t got myself to the point to go back into a church. The devotional that I have started is called The Quest : An Excursion Toward Intimacy with God, by Beth Moore. I was able to find it here at Amazon. You can also digital download videos from Lifeway.com that can go with the devotional.
Why Are You Afraid?
The section that I was covering today was something that I needed to hear. The main subject covered the question, “Why are you afraid?”.
It explained that fear can either push us down or push us into pushing back. In Genesis 4:7b God says to Cain, “Sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.” Fear is doing the same thing. Beth Moore states, “We keep thinking that what we’re afraid of is all there is at stake. Meanwhile, fear is robbing us blind of our joy and drenching the fire of our callings.” This statement hit me hard! Over a year ago, my fear drenched my calling in this world. This blog is one of many steps I am taking to push back at my fear.
2 Timothy 1:6-7 “For this season I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
In The Quest, the book speaks about how fear and faith are fighting for the same space. “They cannot be roommates. They will not coexist. Fear can’t stand on a carpet of faith.” Did you know that God says “do not be afraid.” 350 times in the Bible? God is constantly reassuring his disciples because he knows this world is a breeding ground for fear. I mean, with everything going on in the world right now, there is a lot of fear. We can’t give into fear. I can’t give into fear, because God is with me. He’s holding my hand, and he has redeemed me. I will not be ashamed. These are the things that I tell myself to walk out my door now. I will no longer live my life searching for the approval of others. I live my life for the approval of my Lord God.
Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
